Stillness

This’ll be about the music, but also not. A digression of the personal sort, I suppose.

This has been a quiet Sunday morning. I’ve needed it. I have always loved my mornings. I get up in the 5 o’clock hour and enjoy the darkness, the silence that only early morning can bring, until the birds start waking. I like to share the quiet with them, too. I haven’t had enough of that since school started. The children start so early and I’ve successfully conquered insomnia for the moment so I actually sleep. That combination shortens my morning quiet time.

This morning I awoke with Kristin’s new song, Some Dumb Runaway (to hear it, go to the KEXP stream) in my head. It’s so very beautiful. I haven’t listened to it in a while, so it was a pleasant surprise to find this in my brain today. Right now I don’t even need to listen to the actual song with my ears, my head hears it as it is. It rewinds and plays and backs up and plays and jumps around as I feel the parts that are significant. It’s not a particularly happy song (are any of them, really?) but it’s so goddamn *gorgeous*. That’s Kristin’s talent. To make sad or ugly or difficult things sound so incredibly beautiful. I’m so attracted to that contrast.

That contrast is important to recognize. Making bad sound nice. It lets you know that it’s OK, because it’s real and organic and true. I’ve been thinking a lot about this stuff lately, mainly stripping away layers of life, til you get to the core, universal underlying emotions. Doesn’t matter who you are, what you look like, what you like, we are ALL the same at the basic foundational level. It makes it hard to be judgmental once you truly realize that. It’s been contributing to my stillness. My quest for stillness.

My acupuncturist has been teaching me stillness. I’m not sure if she intended on doing this beyond the needles, but I do know she has been using those needles to bring stillness to the body. But in our simple interactions, she’s making me think about these things, and that’s bringing stillness to my mind. I admire this woman, I’m so lucky to have her in my life. She can say one sentence to me that is so simple, yet there’s a depth within it, that will keep me thinking for weeks. I’m finding a serenity I haven’t had in a long time.

I wrote about my short hiatus from music several months ago. It was a difficult time, and to be honest, I had to stop listening to music because it started to hurt me. It’s never done that before. I’m happy that it is no longer doing that, and I’m finding a deeper serenity with it than I probably had before. Feeling them deeper, at that base emotive level. It’s nice there, because it’s real. Realness. Stillness. Goals. Tap into that and the songs tell you it’s all OK. We’re all the same. Our reactions to those emotions differ due to all the layers on top of them, but strip it all away and it’s all the same.

I think I digressed within my digression. Probably because Some Dumb Runaway fit so perfectly within my still morning. “…Away to your still house” (Cold Water Coming). Music. Kristin’s music. The perfect soundtrack for your still house. Even the screamy stuff. Because that can leave you still, too.